The election's over. Sorry Hillary, sorry McCain, but it's about time to throw in the towel and hand the presidency to the only candidate who's truly Barack Obama-sistible: Barack Obama.
Preliminary CNN polls estimate Obama's popularity has surged from a then-leading 30-35% of the voting populace to an insurmountable 99% since this video went online, sending the Hillary camp scrambling to come up with their own Robert Palmer campaign song. "Addicted to Hil"?
Are Kate Hudson and Owen Wilson planning to rekindle their romance, or just make a billion boring movies together?
As soon as the words "90210 Reunion" were breathed into the ether, Tori Spelling's finely tuned attention sensors went up and immediately began transmitting "Me Too! Me Too!" messages.
Ohmygodyouguys, Paris Hilton simply loves little, like, African poor people babies.
Some crazy lady filed a lawsuit against Oprah's production company after a bunch of other crazy ladies stampeded over her trying to get a seat in Oprah's audience full of crazy ladies.
Planet Earth was one of the first recipients of the Television Academy Honor, after having already received my own award for "Most Awesome Thing To Watch In HD While High".
While you were holding Barack all through the night, someone was having the Best Night Ever! Snuggle up with Abby Holland as she dreams up the best Thursday night TV moments from Miss Guided, Celebrity Apprentice, Deal or No Deal, and LOST! Now you just need McCain and Hillary dolls and you can have a super cuddly snoozy bi-partisan pillow fight! Awwww....cute politics.
Neither Alex or I felt that last night's "Top Chef" merited an full-fledged recap, but there were a couple parts that amused us: Thought #1 - After the Quickfire challenge, when the competitors were drawing knives with the names of rare animals on them, it took them WAAAAY too long to realize that they weren't going to be cooking the animal indicated on their knife. Here's how the segment went, if my memory serves me right:
One chef pulls out a knife with the word VULTURE on it.
"What? We're gonna be cooking vulture? That makes no sense!"
Another chef pulls out a knife with the word BEAR on it.
"When I saw that, I was like, cool, I definitely know that some people eat bear."
Another chef pulls out a knife with the word PENGUIN on it.
"This is cuh-razyyy!! Why would we be cooking penguins?? Aren't they endangered?? I cannot believe that the Elimination Challenge is going to be killing penguins and then cooking them."
This goes on for three more minutes as the chefs continue drawing knives and being confounded.
PADMA: "On each of your knives is the name of an animal. These will be your teams for the Elimination Challenge, which will be catering a cocktail party for the zoo."
"When Padma said that, I was like, you mean we're not going to be killing gorillas, chopping them up and cooking them on television, then having the taste of our gorilla dishes evaluated? I thought that's what we were going to be doing, because I have never seen this show before and also I immediately assume the dumbest possible reality in any given situation."
Thought #2 - It's always been a huge part of "Top Chef," but I love how strictly the show treats time limits -- "You will arrive at the venue and have one hour to finish preparing your dishes, unpacking everything, decorating the tables, setting up the table displays, and setting up the food. Two hundred people will be here in exactly 60.0000001 minutes and will be eating your food and talking about it on camera. JUST LIKE IN THE REAL WORLD.
That's all. Otherwise, pretty standard episode, and a second straight justifiable elimination. Feel free to leave your own observations in the comments.
Call it Face Miserables. A musical based on the 1985 classic film Mask made its debut on the small stage in Pasadena, California this weekend. No... I know... this is the most exciting thing to happen to the Theater World since Carol Channing hired a new wigmaker. The original 1985 movie Mask starred Cher as Florence 'Rusty' Dennis, the lovable biker (read: kinda slut) mother of a boy born with a severely effed up face named Rocky Dennis, played by an unrecognizably deformed Eric Stolz. The combination of latex elephant face taken together with Cher's unruly ringlets meant that, as a toddler, Mask ranked right up there with Follow That Bird on my "Movies That Will Scar Me For Life" list.
But maybe all that the Mask was missing... was song. Because now Mask is a musical, replete with terrifying stage make-up, slutty biker mom, and -- get this -- the other dad from My Two Dads! You know, "Beardy"! "Hot Dad with a Beard"! "Not Paul Reiser With a Beard Guy!"... Movingon.org, Playbill's description alone is heart-wrenching:
Mask is a musical based on the true story of an unusual looking boy and his unconventional biker mother. She shows him how to embrace life. He shows her how to choose it.
Hillary Clinton, take note: This is the slogan your campaign is missing. And the photos from the musical are INCREDIBLE. Like this one, where a blind girl finds love in the form of a latex headpiece:
Or this one... where he's probably singing the classic ol' ditty "Check Out My Bike! And Not So Much My Face...":
JESUS, people, we need to get this show to Broadway! Anyone got Guffman's beeper number?
(See more photos over at Playbill.com)
I guess there's nothing expressly normal about celebrating Easter in the U.S. by biting the heads off pink marshmallow baby chicks, but that doesn't make this photo any less jarring:
From THE HATER -- What more must one say. It seems pretty self explanatory. The Chicken Soup series now has an American Idol version. Great. Now check out the commercial for it, after the jump! [note: please refrain from drinking, as you may spit out liquids on your computer.]
American Idol Has Claimed Many Souls
When American Idol first appeared in a cloud of smoke, trotting on cloven-feet all over pop culture and the leftover Who Wants To Be A Millionaire set, we knew it would only be a matter of time before the show began claiming certain viewers', contestants', and judges' body parts for its own nefarious purposes: Simon Cowell's spleen, Paula Abdul's mind, Ryan Seacrest's vocal cords (eventually replaced with perfectly modulated synthesizers), the Clay-Aiken-shaped hole in many female viewers' hearts.
But throughout the seven years American Idol has been on the air, snatching body parts in its gnarled, veiny hands, the show has also been systematically bargaining for a more celestial prize: human souls. So exactly how many souls has American Idol claimed? Apparently, enough for an entire book:
I know what you're thinking: how is an American Idol soul different than a Chocolate Lover's Soul or a Nurse's Soul? (Three words: Call in votes.)What is the precise topography of the American Idol Soul: its karaoke ridges, its cliffs of blandness, its trilling valleys? And can the American Idol Soul be saved?
Ugh. After watching this excruciating commercial for the book, probably not. People who find slow motion football tossing re-enactments staged by reality TV also-rans inspiring can't really be helped.
By now, the nude photos of Kristin Davis, best known as Sex and the City's most prudish character Charlotte York, have likely made their way across your virtual desktop. The questions of "Is it her or ain't it?" are fairly moot at this point, as the face is an exact match. At first, rumors that the photos were stills taken from a far more salacious sex tape began popping up, but as details are emerging, it appears that these early 90s photos are all that exist. And while on the one hand, it's probably the biggest gossip story Kirstin Davis has ever been a part of ("No such thing as vag pubicity!"), on the other hand, IT'S HER VAGINA ON THE INTERNET, which has gotta hurt.
But one thing no one really seems to be talking about it is the man behind the photo leakage. You've probably seen him... or his penis, at the very least. You know the one... that ungroomed, engorged penis 2 inches from Kirstin Davis' mouth? Anyway, no one really seemed to be bringing this anonymous be-penised naked photo selling guy up. Until this morning, when Page Six bold faced him as Eric Stapleman, Executive Chef and owner of a Santa Fe restaurant Trattoria Nostrani. So, for those of you wondering what the face looks like behind that anony-peen... here you go:
Sure, he "claims" he gave the photos to a friend, whom they were then stolen from... but what kind of an a**hole even does that? We'll tell you what kind. The kind of a**hole who also owns a "no scent" restaurant... and then throws patrons out for being too "scenty." One poor diner at Stapleman's Sante Fe restaurant was vigorously sniffed by a restaurant owner -- presumably Stapleman -- and were promptly thrown out, following a big screaming match.
The story of said encounter after the cut... pun intended?
No Scent Restaurant
A nice couple made a reservation at Trattoria Nostrani in Santa Fe NM. They were advised that it is a no scent restaurant. My parents were their guests. Upon arrival, one lady in the party was deemed "too scenty." She politely agreed to do what she could in the ladies room to remove the scent. A worker from the restaurant joined her.
When she returned to the reception area, she was sniffed by the restaurant owner and deemed still too scented. At this point, she encouraged the other three to stay for dinner. Two of the three, my parents, said in so many words amongst themselves, no f**king way. And they all decided to leave. My dad remarked to the owner, the sniffer in charge, that they would never return. That's when the owner started yelling at my dad that the restaurant employs a sensitively nosed person and yadda yadda yadda. The group leaves. The owner follows my dad (my soon to be 75 year old dad) into the parking lot and continues the yelling.
So. Questions and comments to follow of course. One question that comes to my mind, is how does a sensitively nosed person work at all in a restaurant. One comment: in this era of internets and such, a restaurant owner needs to be careful who he/she yells at. Cause this stuff can spread around fast.
--Liza (via The Mouthfuls Food Forum)
Sounds to me like the behavior of a guy who gives away nude pictures of his famous ex-girlfriend.
[In this scene, we join Girls Gone Wild creator Joe Francis and the ghost of "Christmas Carol" harbinger Jacob Marley several days after Francis was released from prison]
JACOB MARLEY: So you see, Joe Francis -- this isn't a case of free speech or capitalism or lewdness. People just don't like you because you make a very concentrated effort to come off as a douche at all times, and likely are. Hopefully you will apply this lesson in your future endeavors, beginning with your attempt to acquire the nude footage of Ashley Dupre, Eliot Spitzer's callgirl.
JOE FRANCIS: We can't get a DVD together fast enough. Her candle is going to burn out pretty quickly, especially after we release our footage.
JACOB MARLEY: Ok, ok... I don't think you're getting it. Let's go over this again. You absolutely have the right to produce and sell these videos, but you don't have to constantly throw d*ckish quotes to the media to promote them with your douchiness.
JOE FRANCIS: Our footage is from when she was 18-years-old, and it doesn't get much better than that. Eliot Spitzer has put some miles on that girl!
JACOB MARLEY: You're not really this big of a sleaze, right? You're constructing a character and embracing the controversy, like a sort of latter-day Diceman with a video camera. Right?
JOE FRANCIS: It doesn't matter. There's no sexual contact, so even if she was 17 or 16 for that matter, federal and state law permits posing nude. We're just talking about nudity, not pornography.
JACOB MARLEY: There may be no specific law against selling footage of a sixteen-year-old flashing her boobs as long as it isn't pornographic, I've never really studied the technicalities, but guess what? It does specifically mean that you are a douche. You are a douche, Joe Francis.
JOE FRANCIS: She's doing Girls Gone Wild-typical [stuff]: dancing around naked and flashing her breasts.
JACOB MARLEY: Remind me again why you exist.
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Thought #1 - After the Quickfire challenge, when the competitors were drawing knives with the names of rare animals on them, it took them WAAAAY too long to realize that they weren't going to be cooking the animal indicated on their knife. Here's how the segment went, if my memory serves me right:
One chef pulls out a knife with the word VULTURE on it.
"What? We're gonna be cooking vulture? That makes no sense!"
Another chef pulls out a knife with the word BEAR on it.
"When I saw that, I was like, cool, I definitely know that some people eat bear."
Another chef pulls out a knife with the word PENGUIN on it.
"This is cuh-razyyy!! Why would we be cooking penguins?? Aren't they endangered?? I cannot believe that the Elimination Challenge is going to be killing penguins and then cooking them."
Call it Face Miserables. A musical based on the 1985 classic film Mask made its debut on the small stage in Pasadena, California this weekend. No... I know... this is the most exciting thing to happen to the Theater World since Carol Channing hired a new wigmaker. The original 1985 movie Mask starred Cher as Florence 'Rusty' Dennis, the lovable biker (read: kinda slut) mother of a boy born with a severely effed up face named Rocky Dennis, played by an unrecognizably deformed Eric Stolz. The combination of latex elephant face taken together with Cher's unruly ringlets meant that, as a toddler, Mask ranked right up there with Follow That Bird on my "Movies That Will Scar Me For Life" list.
But maybe all that the Mask was missing... was song. Because now Mask is a musical, replete with terrifying stage make-up, slutty biker mom, and -- get this -- the other dad from 
By now, the
[In 
JOE FRANCIS: It doesn't matter. There's no sexual contact, so even if she was 17 or 16 for that matter, federal and state law permits posing nude. We're just talking about nudity, not pornography.
JACOB MARLEY: There may be no specific law against selling footage of a sixteen-year-old flashing her boobs as long as it isn't pornographic, I've never really studied the technicalities, but guess what? It does specifically mean that you are a douche. You are a douche, Joe Francis.
JOE FRANCIS: She's doing Girls Gone Wild-typical [stuff]: dancing around naked and flashing her breasts.
JACOB MARLEY: Remind me again why you exist. 
