|
|
|
|
|
|
Best Week Ever
|
Monday, 07 January 2008 |
 In case you missed the memo, today's episode of "Dr. Phil," which was supposed to be a full hour devoted to Britney and her current situation, was yanked from the air and replaced by a repeat at the last minute because Dr. Phil felt the situation was "too intense." Just so we don't go home completely empty-handed, here's an artist's conception of what we missed.
DR. PHIL: Welcome to the show. Today, we're spending the entire hour talking about Britney Spears with those who know her best -- these random tv psychologists who we managed to book at the last minute.
PSYCHOLOGIST GUY WHO LOOKS A LITTLE LIKE THE BRITISH JUDGE ON "DANCING WITH THE STARS": Glad to be here, Dr. Phil.
DR. PHIL: Let's talk about Britney. I mean, what is her deal, yo? [AUDIENCE CHUCKLES AT COMFORTABLE, GOOD-NATURED UNPROFESSIONALISM] I mean, what the hell, dammit?
PSYCHOLOGIST: Let me start by saying that numerous layers of psychological, emotional, spiritual, and even frenological factors come into play when you're dealing with a celebrity of this magnitude.
[CHYRON APPEARS - "Dr. James R. Stephenson, Blazer-Wearing Man Who Has Heard Of Britney]
DR. PHIL: But damnit, at what point is enough enough??
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS AFTER 1.5 SECONDS OF APPLAUSE-MILKING SILENCE]
PSYCHOLOGIST: We see this all the time in celebrities. I spent two years reading about Loni Anderson back when that whole thing was going on, so I know how tough it can be, there simply is no quick fix.
DR. PHIL: We all know Britney has a terrific, supportive family, but at some point you have to say, you know, "What the hell am I doin'? I need to knock it off!"
[ONE PERSON IMMEDIATELY STARTS APPLAUDING REALLY LOUDLY, REST OF AUDIENCE FOLLOWS SUIT]
DR. PHIL: We'll be right back.
[LAME ACOUSTIC GUITAR OUTRO. THE OPTIMUM ONLINE TRIPLE PLAY COMMERCIAL PLAYS SEVEN TIMES. LAME ACOUSTIC GUITAR INTRO]
DR. PHIL: We learned a lot today about Britney's situation -- probably 10, 15 percent of this we didn't even cover the last time we devoted an entire hour-long episode to Britney. The point is, the harder I try to draw psychological paralells between Britney's craziness and general, everyday advice for our viewers, the more clear it becomes that these Britney episodes are completely irredeemable ratings ploys. Not that that's a secret or anything, but damnit, why the hell does it have to be so obvious??
[AUDIENCE APPLAUDS]
Dr. Phil: Tomorrow, we'll bring Dick Masterson and that black woman who hates blacks into the studio to discuss the psychology of lesbian threesomes, and whether or not troubled pop star Britney Spears would go for one. The episode will be so technological and informative, simply watching it qualifies your for 9 Psych credits at any state university. So stay tuned.
[LAME ACOUSTIC GUITAR OUTRO LONG VERSION PLAYS, TURNS INTO ROCKIN' ELECTRIC GUITAR OVERTOP APPLAUSE AND THE CREDITS. NINETY MINTUES OF THE OPTIMUM ONLINE TRIPLE PLAY AD PLAYS ON A LOOP.] |
|
Read more...
|
|
|
Monday, 07 January 2008 |
Ladies and gentlemen, meet my inspiration for living and breathing: Chidi Ogbuta, a bride in Texas who commissioned a wedding cake to be SHAPED EXACTLY LIKE HER, right down to the tears -- er, tiers -- of her wedding gown. I dont know, if my husband started stabbing away at my cake likeness on our wedding day -- as the groom is up top -- I'd be "kinda, sorta" worried.
The motivation behind the cake is simple. It's been Chidi's life-long dream to get a doll made to look like her, though we fear the actual cake bears more of a resemblance to Tracy Morgan than the delightfully mentally unstable Chidi:
So who is the lucky man who will be spooning his lovely lady cake for the rest of eternity? Let's take a close look at the face of the man lucky enough to land a lady like this:
Anyone want to pitch a show to the Food Network based on the above story called Face of Cakes? It would be about extreme giant human people cakes. Anyway, Congratulations Chidi! You are officially January 7, 2008's "Reason to Live"! You can check out undoctored photos of the couple over at CNN.com.
Ed. Update: Because no one seems to be commenting on what is hands down the best thing we've seen all year, here's a kick-off question: Do you like cake? |
|
Read more...
|
|
|
Monday, 07 January 2008 |
 HealthDay News, in perhaps the most shocking scientific revelation this side of the discovery of fire, conducted a comprehensive study about college drinking and came to this thunderboltlike conclusion: College Drinking Games Lead to Higher Blood Alcohol Levels.
Now, before we go ahead and say that there's definitely a link between people playing games that require them to drink alcohol and people drinking alcohol, let's take a quick look at some of the glaring flaws in Captain ConclusionJumper's so-called "scientific thingiemedoo":
The team noted party environment, surveyed attendees and collected blood-alcohol concentrations.
Problem #1 - If the kids are willingly participating in this survey, and are fully aware that they're going to be blood tested to see how drunk they are, of course they're gonna go out of their way to drink more in order to impress the researchers. Also, it kind of hurts your alibi if you try to claim you were blackout hammered when you sent that chick seven winky text messages at 6 am and some researcher immediately responds "actually, you only had a .002 BAC at that time and thus were fully conscious of your actions."
The researchers expressed surprise over the finding that women at themed events drank more heavily than their male peers.
Problem #2 - They never say what the 'themed' parties are. If you're talking pimps and ho's parties, of course any female choosing to attend is likely to be a huge binge drinker. If we're talking about formal themed holiday parties, that won't be the case. But if we're talking about "white shirt" parties, where women are encouraged to show up wearing white tank tops and everyone sprays their boobs with water guns, then it's going to horribly skew the results, because the only people in attendance will be the three male roommates and the freshman guys to whom they've promised alcohol.
Students who attended parties with the intention of socializing and people who attended larger parties drank less alcohol.
Problem #3 - What exactly is their definition of "socializing"? Do they mean, calmly discussing metaphysics and exchanging business cards, and not sweatily making out with a girl cause you both read The Culture of Fear then happily shouting along to a Shakira song you ordinarily hate? Because my "socializing / alcohol consumption" Venn Diagram is pretty much a god damned circle.
The researchers found that playing drinking games, having a personal history of binge drinking, attending a party with many other intoxicated people, and attending a themed event all predicted higher blood alcohol levels.
Problem #4 - Sure, the study concludes that playing drinking games and being a binge drinker leads to higher blood alcohol levels, but what about doing keg stands? What about injecting alcohol into your heart? What about swimming in a giant vat of beer while drinking out of one of those double beer can helmets and taking a beer bong anally? Until the study produces answers to these other pressing questions, I'm really not sure we can draw any conclusions about literally drinking alcohol resulting in higher alcohol levels. Just trying to be objective here. |
|
Read more...
|
|
|
Monday, 07 January 2008 |
Yes, hello, Fathuh? It's William. I know I'm late for dinner with Camilla and Prancy and the boys, but there was such horrendous traffic on the street of Mombasa -- my human limousine just dropped me off at the airport. The Ambassador sends his well-wishes and a satchel full of rare albino emeralds he insists aren't diamonds. I think he's gone wrong.
Oh great... now there's a gih-rahffe on the runway. Dreadful, indeed. Mind not, I won't tarry any longer. Chut, chut, good man. I'll be home in 23 minutes.
Oh, and father? I luh. I luh-- luuuuhhh. FF. I... lu-lu-ff (throat clear) I'll see you in a bit.
*Ed. Note: Please pretend he's holding a phone. |
|
Read more...
|
|
|
Monday, 07 January 2008 |
|
A little tip for online comedy start-ups: to be the funniest, most successful and talent-loaded site in the crowded field of funny viral videos, I would suggest having Will Ferrell be your partner so that his massive and popular appeal will lure the funniest people in the business to make videos for you, such as in this latest installment, in which comedian and fellow beard-enthusiast Zach Galifianakis conducts a very uncomfortable interview with Superbad's Michael Cera.
(via CC Insider) |
|
Read more...
|
|
|
Monday, 07 January 2008 |
It seems pretty obvious that the suicidal meltdown we all expected from Britney Spears is fast approaching -- what with the recent loss of the custody of her kids, her highly publicized Cedars-Sinai stay as of late, and the suicidal kicker, a visit from Malach-Amoves himself, Dr. Phil. And while most of you have probably written the girl off to a hot pink coffin destined for Hollywood Forever, some of you (me) still hold a tiny glimmer of hope that the girl will soon turn her life around.
Which is why I'd like to do my part to help the girl out. Hence, here are 19 Easy Steps that Mizz Spears can follow to turn her life around. They are, in order:
Step #1: Stay inside your house for the next year. While indoors, refrain from doing the things you normally do, like "drugs", "eating" and "making babies."
Step #2: Leave your house once during this time, to a. prove that you are still alive and b. get your tubes tizzedy tied.
 Step #3: Very slowly, in the year 2010, begin leaving your house again with little fanfare. At first, people will barely recognize you, what with your new bony, pasty frame. But slowly, the paps will come around. You will have an Elvis like aura around you, and may even be hailed as a "God", though not the real God, but a less important one, like Buddha. (JK)
Step #4: Announce that during your hiatus, you have become an accredited college professor. You are now quitting the business to teach "Shapes and Symmetry" at Detroit International Community Kollege.
Step #5: Seriously teach somewhere for like, 6 months. During this time, release an amazing album that becomes a hit with young kids/gays/young gay kids. If you're too busy, see if Rosie from The Jetsons is available to hit the studio.
Step #6: Regain custody of your children back. Spend the next year permanently embracing them while simultaneously allowing them to do whatever the f**k they want.
 Step #7: Your kids now firmly back on your side, have a little vaginoplasty. It may not make sense yet, but it will certainly come in handy when you get to Step #8.
Step #8: Release a sex tape. Note: You must look better than ever in said sex tape. Your Gynskies now back to its younger, 16-year-old self, do your best to refulfill the fantasies of your former male fans, who are now firmly in their 30s and still willing to give you a chance. It would help to also learn some novelty vagina tricks, such as one involving whiffle balls and the one where your labia does your taxes. This will guarantee DVD sale success.
Step #9: Get caught doing cocaine off of Sean Preston's math homework. Deal with media scrutiny by repeating the above steps until your doctor insists that another gynoplasty would render your bellybutton invisible.
Step #10: Spend the next 100 years laughing while bathing yourself in the blood of unborn owls. The world has been had. Fixing your reputation may be damn near impossible, but earning unlimited revenue from the hungry eyes of the American public is practically a given. We believe in you! |
|
Read more...
|
|
|
Monday, 07 January 2008 |
|
We've all seen ads for prescription drugs that include humorously lengthy lists of possible side effects, but this ad for Mirapex, a drug to combat Restless Leg Syndrome (or 'Jumpy Legs,' for all you Showalter fans), proposes an extremely unfair tradeoff. Is having your leg move a little bit really worse than falling asleep while driving or developing a gambling problem? Maybe we should ask Robert Klein. (Anyone?)
|
|
Read more...
|
|
| << Start < Prev 121 122 123 124 125 126 127 128 129 130 Next > End >>
| | Results 1291 - 1297 of 1297 |
|
| |
|
|
|
