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Best Week Ever
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Wednesday, 23 July 2008 |
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While you were poking everyone willy nilly on the new Facebook, someone was having the Best Night Ever! Friend request Max Silvestri while he gives you the best TV moments of Tuesday night from Flipping Out, Celebrity Family Feud, America's Got Talent, and Tori and Dean: Home Sweet Hollywood! OMG, someone's got like six new zombie bites waiting for them, chump. |
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Tuesday, 22 July 2008 |
 Craigslist. You've perused it, you've used it, you've cruised it and probably put pictures of your d**k on it. I've been a big fan of Craigslist for many years. I've gotten all of my apartments through it, solicited my roommates the same way... I once even bought a very beloved watch thanks to Craigy. Some folks might not trust what is essentially a community messageboard. But it was through Craigslist that I managed to sell and trade my way to a barely used 16GB Ipod Itouch for under $75.
It all began about 3 weeks ago, when I came across a random comment on a random website that The Dark Knight Imax tickets were to go on sale that day. Now, I hadn't been nerding out about the movie like those who managed to keep up with the multi-billion dollar marketing campaign. But here's a secret about me: I'm a sucker for cultural events and phenomenons. Years ago, I happen to be in London on the day when Stanley Kubrik's A Clockwork Orange was debuting following the director's death. History: I could finally be a part of it! I forced my best friend to come to a midnight showing of the movie, only hours before our departing flight, thinking it would be packed with English folks in bowler hats and false eyelashes, swatting at each others' knees with their canes. So you can imagine my disappointment when we showed up to the theater at 12 AM to find about 5 other people -- mostly homeless -- either making out with each other or laying across the seats, sleeping on a pillow made of cans.
The Dark Knight on Imax was a different story. It was pretty much a guarantee that the screenings would sell out, and hopefully, the folks in attendance would be dressed to the crimes in their finest caped attire. Is there anything better than when an audience applauds and hoots throughout a movie? As long as no one busts a New Jack City-style cap up in the theater, I'm all for opening night mayhem. Which is why I bought 2 tickets to see the movie at 4 AM on opening night (or morning, as the case may be), and 2 more tickets to see it Sunday at 6 PM. I wanted to get the most hype-bang for my buck! And if the film was as good as the reviews were hinting at, then surely I could sit through it twice in one weekend.
Then, last week, a co-worker mentioned that TDK: Imax tickets were making a mint on Craigslist. Here's me right now:
Well... I guess in couldn't hurt if I sold my 4 AM tickets for some extra scratch. Sure, I'd never be able to go to a 4 AM screening probably ever again for the rest of my life. Then again, I could really use a lot of stuff before my impending vacation. Seriously, if it's personal history vs. a new Ipod, it's really not a debate. For God's sakes, I'm still cranking out my tunes on scratched up 4th Gen model that looks like it was made out of a matzoh box and broken dreams. So, I put the pair of tickets up for sale on Craigslist, asking for a "Best Offer".
After the jump, find out how much I got for 'em.
 And the offers started rolling in. And how much do you think I sold my 4 am tickets for?
$100, that's how much. 100 bones. Enough to cover the cost of at least half of a refurbished Ipod. This was a boon! And the best part? I still had 2 tickets to see it on Sunday. All was right with the world.
And there I was, a day later, back to trolling Craigslist for used Ipods -- nothing fancy, just one that held a charge -- when I came across this listing:
"16GB Ipod Touch for Your 4 Dark Knight Imax Tickets"
My eyes deceived me. Could it be? Dare I dream of owning an Ipod Touch, the Ipod that also doubles as a tiny, hand-cramping computer? No, I daren't. I'm a simple girl with simple tastes. My cell phone was purchased at a Saved By The Bell props sale. Plus, I didn't even have 4 tickets! Only 2. Nah, he wouldn't go for it. Or would he? I sent an e-mail:
"Hi there, Would you be willing to trade your Ipod Touch for 2 Imax tickets and cash? Thanks in advance. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxo, Michelle."
 And so it went. He wanted to know how much I'd be willing to offer. Being the Mayor of Hymietown (OK to say as I really am the Mayor), I offered $100. I figured I'd come out almost even. He found the offer too low (of course), and in the end, we settled on $140 and the tickets.
I met with this gentleman on Sunday to do the exchange. That's definitely the one downfall of Craigslist: Having to come face to face with the anonymous stranger you've been negotiating with. (I can only imagine this becomes infinitely more awkward when actual private parts are involved. Awkward/Awesome? I have no idea.) Sure enough, an equally weirded out guy met me on a street corner, and there we were, two drug dealers of entertainment, exchanging money and goods in broad NYC daylight. He took the Ipod Touch out of his pocket, and it glowed like a brand new pair of cheapskates. The fellah trading it offered to knock $10 off of the price to make up for the new $10 Apple software update. I felt guilty agreeing, but also, not being an idiot, thanked him for his generosity. I only hope he wasn't the guy who nearly got into a fist fight with Dan at the same screening.
 He walked away with a surprise for his girlfriend: Dinner and a movie. And I, in turn, got a 16GB Ipod Touch (ret. $399!) for 4 Dark Knight Imax tickets and $30. Or $70. (Do the math, it works.) The device is, hmm, what's the English language word for amazing? Incredible. The battery drains fairly quickly, but consider me a convert. I will no longer judge those with Iphones, rather I will envy them and their talky ways.
As for the movie... I bought tickets for the 7:45 pm showing on a HUGE screen Sunday evening. The folks in my theater were lovely and fun, and obviously the movie was incredible. And what better way to spend the subway ride home then listening to the Empire of the Sun soundtrack while nervously clutching my new device, sideglancing possible theives and/or envious passengers. And OK, so maybe no one gave a care about my newshmangled Ipod, but perhaps they would change their minds if they knew it only cost me about $70.
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is how I traded 4 Dark Knight Imax tickets and $30 for an Ipod Touch. |
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Tuesday, 22 July 2008 |
The Sun UK is reporting that a Top Gun sequel is in the works --
A script outline has been written, but the sequel depends on Cruise, 46, saying yes.
An insider said: "The idea is Maverick is at the Top Gun school as an instructor - and this time it is he who has to deal with a cocky new female pilot."
Tom Cruise may be batsh*t insane by most measurable methods, but save the delayed-to-hell Nazi flick Valkyrie, he's done a good job of dodging roles laced with career-poison. However, should that trend magically reverse, we're gonna need someone to play the "cocky new female pilot" anyway, so we might as well rattle off some casting suggestions now:
5. Katie Holmes
Yes, it's a bit on the nose, but Mr. and Mrs. Smith was a box office success, and there'd be unprecedented potential for family exploitation in exchange for guilt-free movie promotion.
4. Hilary Swank
She's got the rough-around-the-edges female pupil gig down pat, plus it might be the closest Cruise gets to an Oscar for quite a while.
3. Sylvester Stallone
A master of the Really Late Sequel, Stallone in drag couldn't make a Top Gun sequel that much more ridiculous.
2. Jessica Alba
If the movie's gonna be retarded, might as well go for broke and make it flat-out, Snakes on a Plane, self-awarely bad (and drag someone else's career down with it), right?
1. Suri Cruise's Face CGI'd Onto Val Kilmer's Body
She's gotta kick-start her career somewhere. |
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Tuesday, 22 July 2008 |
Only 5 more days until the new season of Mad Men premieres on AMC. And God, how I wish I was getting paid for these shameless plugs. Here's part of the impossibly good looking cast at the premiere party yesterday. And now, because there's really nothing more to say about this, I give you Bonus Hanks:
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Tuesday, 22 July 2008 |
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The following clip from the John Cena movie The Marine (yep, it existed) is, simply, one of the most "I literally cannot believe they actually put this in the movie" clips I have ever seen in my many years of going out of my way to watch sh*tty movies.
The villain, Robert Patrick, and his cronies are shooting the hell out of John Cena's car for about five straight minutes, eventually blowing the hood off the car, then the chase goes through a construction site and a digger rips the roof off Cena's car -- all standard, crazy action movie stuff. Cue the amazing part: One of the goons makes the offhand comment "This guy's like The Terminator," which is followed by an immediate cut to Robert Patrick's eyes in the rear-view mirror and a thoroughly unsubtle "dun-NUN!!!" music cue.
Please watch the last five seconds of this clip several times to convince yourself that it really did happen in a real, actual movie. I guess they scrapped the original idea of having a shot of the producer winking and yelling "WIIIIIINNNNNNKKKKK!!!" right after the Patrick cut:
(Why was I watching The Marine on Starz! at 3 pm on a Saturday afternoon during a beautiful New York summer? Because Transporter 2 wasn't on, that's why.) |
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Tuesday, 22 July 2008 |
 It breaks my heart to even be writing the following sentence, but here it is: The Golden Girls will be a little less golden from now on, as the show matriarch, Estelle Getty, passed away today. Getty played Sofia Petrillo, or "Ma", the fiercely hysterical mother of Dorothy Zbornak, or "pussycat". Whether she's losing the Pope's ring, or doing her amazing Sonny Bono impression, or doing Picasso, you could always count on Getty to nail the joke, the barbs flying out of her mouth at lightning speed. She was a 7 time Emmy nominee, and walked away with the award in 1988 (You can see her acceptance speech here. She beat Monuh and Jacquee!)
The end of her incredible life was frought with disease and dementia, and today, she left us at the age of 84 years old. Though, thankfully, she always managed to stay out of Shady Pines. She left us with many gems on TGG, including this:
"Let me tell you girls the three most important things I learned about life: number one, hold fast to your friends; number two, there's no such thing as security; and number three, don't go see "Ishtar." Woof."
Not a life lesson, per se, and a little dated, maybe, but good advice nonetheless. So, to honor this brilliant woman's career and legacy, here's a short tribute video found on Youtube with only a handful of what amounts to thousands of show highlights.
After the jump, some of my favorite Sophia quotes. Estelle Getty is and will forever be a legend.
[Sophia is noisily eating Fritos. Dorothy gets very annoyed]
Dorothy: MA, WOULD YOU PLEASE STOP THAT!
Sophia: These are FRITOS, Dorothy. What do you want me to do, swallow them whole?
Blanche: [referring to her brother and his lover visiting] My goodness, what would the neighbors think if they saw two men lying in my bed?
Sophia: They'd think it's Tuesday!
Sophia: Make way for the victors.
Rose: You won the big game?
Sophia: No, Rose. We lost and we all changed our names to Victor.
Dorothy: [after being persuaded to go out dancing] Oh all right I'll come. Ma where are my dancing shoes?
Sophia: In the Smithsonian, right next to Fred Astaire's. How the hell should I know?
Rose: Mmmmm, Sophia! The kitchen smells wonderful. Is it Chef Boyardee?
Sophia: [Sophia holds up a knife] Stick it in my heart, Rose, it'll hurt less!
Rose: Heaven is full of cows, chickens, horses and pigs...
Sophia: I hope Heaven has *boots*!
[Attempting to tell Blanche that she's too old to have a baby]
Rose: [to Blanche] ...I mean, don't you think that ship has sailed?
Sophia: That ship has sunk!
Rose: Penny for your thoughts Sophia?
Sophia: You're and idiot and that's on the house. |
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Tuesday, 22 July 2008 |
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Haven't posted an Onion News Network vid in a while, mostly because they're just across the board funny and you shouldn't need us to remind you to check that site, but this one -- "Domino's Scientists Test Limits Of What Humans Will Eat" -- hit a little close to home for me. Cue flashback harp...
Back when I worked at Domino's (March of '08) the franchise owner / manager / cheap bastard named Sam used to make himself lunch every day but was so taste-jaded by his years at Domino's that he never just ate straight-up pizza. Instead, he would create some other ridiculous combination of the five foods we sold, resulting in cheesy bread with barbecue chicken kickers on it or, like, doughballs with olives and the disgusting meat from the Philly Cheesteak pizza inside, eat them while locked in his office, then offer us his cold leftovers hours later. To make a long story short, this motivated me to learn how to read and write and I eventually left Domino's for the wonderful blogging job I have today.
Also, the dude always told us to answer the phones with "Thank you for choosing Domino's Pizza" instead of just "Thank you for choosing Domino's" so that people didn't think they had called Domino's Sugar by mistake. Swear to f*cking God.
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Tuesday, 22 July 2008 |
 In an interview with Extra, Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt discussed their plans to make a trip to Iraq to entertain and support the troops, AND they talked about their upcoming video game. Though they are tight-lipped about the details of the game, Spencer said "Get ready. All your wildest dreams are going to be in it." REALLY??? You mean I'll be able to do the following?
- Feed Heidi and Spencer to a two-headed dragon that will slowly eat the flesh off their bodies?
- Use Mario to throw fire balls at Spencer's crotch?
- Use the whip from Castlevania II: Simon's Quest to torture them slowly?
- Christian Bale, Angelina Jolie, The Arcade Fire, all the cast members from The Office and I all hang out and tazer Heidi and Spencer repeatedly, after which they all buy me 400 pairs of shoes?
If this game can do all these things, I'm buying it.
.....You're right. I'll probably buy it anyway.
(via Just Jared) |
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Tuesday, 22 July 2008 |
When I first saw the subway ads for the History Channel's new show Jurassic Fight Club, the mass of useless memories I call my brain immediately imagined a tv show version of the classic existed video game Primal Rage (either that, or the History Channel was airing a forced, non-topical movie mashup). As a quick refresher, here's what the game Primal Rage -- basically a Street Fighter 2 / Mortal Kombat clone with dinosaurs instead of people and with complete unplayability instead of fun -- looked like:
I proceeded to the Jurassic Fight Club website to dive deeper into this theory, and there discovered the Jurassic Fight Club "Turf Wars" game, which looks uhhhh little something... like this:
Long story short, a fighting game from 1994 in which digital dinosaurs and apes battle one another in jerky, inconvenient motions in an effort to blow up each others' hearts or brains is going to air on the History Channel next week. Also, if the Primal Rage people didn't have a hand in developing the "Turf Wars" game on the History Channel's website, then they've got every right to sue the History Channel for every penny they make off this thing (nine).
I can't wait til this Fall when the History Channel begins airing Hologram Battle Society, loosely based on the arcade game Holosseum.
(Incidentally, while searching for Primal Rage screenshots, I came across these really funny caps from the Game Gear version. Fortunately, you only had to see them for like twelve minutes before the battery kicked.) |
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Friday, 18 July 2008 |
 For more of this and all the rest of the best of the week in pop culture, tune into a brand new episode of Best Week Ever tonight on Vh1 at 9 and 11pm ET!
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