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Best Week Ever
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Friday, 11 July 2008 |
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It's no secret that I am POWERLESS against the single tear of a salamander...so today, when I randomly clicked on this video...at first, I thought it was a Geico commercial. But I had NO IDEA I WAS ABOUT TO ENTER INTO THE DARK AND DRAMATIC WORLD OF TINY LIZARD LOVE TORN APART BY POWERS GREATER THAN US ALL.
They reach out for each other in their own pools of blood...WHYYYYYYYYYYYYY????? |
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Friday, 11 July 2008 |
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Guess what, you guys? Movies! Our cinemagical pal Michael Cyril Creighton sat down with another stack of the latest in home movie entertainment, and has come back this week to file a report of his thoughts on The Ruins, Superhero Movie, and Stop-Loss, which are perhaps the three most completely different films one could ever hope to watch in a week. Will the monster flowers from The Ruins ruin Michael's beloved childhood memories of the Chuckle Patch from Carol & Paula In the Magic Garden? Take a look to find out!
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Friday, 11 July 2008 |
In the weeks after Ratatouille came out last year, I recall my younger cousin exclaiming that she wanted to get a pet rat and her father making the obligatory adulty joke, "Maybe he'll cook for you!"
Then this week, another friend of mine joked to me that after seeing WALL-E, she feels a little bit of guilt every time her cat brings home a half-eaten cockroach.
Last night at 3 a.m. during a tipsy, falling-asleep shower, it hit me:
Pixar is being run by a group of deadbeat landlords.
Rather than paying to get rid of the rats and cockroaches in their respective apartments, these landlords have enlisted Pixar to systematically make every animal pest appear cute and lovable, thus making their sensitive tenants feel guilty for wanting to put poison out for a bunch of aspiring Remys.
After the jump, I examine the theory (fact?) in more detail, looking at Pixar's upcoming releases:
2009: Bedtime, the story of Buddy the bedbug trying to rescue his family after the bed they've infested for generations is finally in danger of being thrown out.
2010: Silverman, The story of Morty Silverman, a silverfish in danger of being evicted from his quaint accounting agency inside a couch by a ruthless insecticide corporation.
2011: Broken Fridge, the tale of a noble refrigerator who explains cures for all known diseases by speaking through a giant crack in his front but is in danger of having the crack sealed and thus being silenced forever.
2012: Giant Rent Increase, the story of Fuzzy, an adorable wallet constantly being crushed by a bunch of dollar bills inside him who longs to have his owner's rent increased by an unfair amount so he can be free.
(Surely I'm not the first person to think of this, right? I Googled around but couldn't find anything, which can only mean that these landlords have their 3-D animated watchdogs all over the 'net. I'll be careful.) |
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Thursday, 10 July 2008 |
I can't tell if he's waiting for someone to put food in his mouth a la A Clockwork Orange, or if he's singing the emotional and dramatic "Who Am I?" from Les Miserables. Either way, I have a feeling Tobey Maguire REALLY wishes he could shoot actual webs from that wrist right now.
(Via Just Jared) |
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Thursday, 10 July 2008 |
 A lucky camera-person on Safari in what appears to be Belmar, New Jersey captured some million-dollar footage of the elusive and wonderful Jersey Shore Mating Ritual. Observe, as the male of the species, commonly known as the Guidus Maximus, presents himself as a suitable mating partner to the female, hoping she will be attracted to his gelled hair, headband, Fake Bake sunless tanned chest, and ripped jeans, which have been rolled up to look like Capri pants. He begins the ritual by dancing, poorly, until he has captured her attention and she joins him in this ancient display of physical seduction. But wait! His equally shirtless and terrible friend in dancing alone in the corner could be sexual competition! Will our glimpse of these beasts in their most natural setting lead to a successful mating partnership that will likely end in abortion or, worse, further propagation of this species? Or will the female wander back over to her friends for another Mike's Hard Lemonade and a Newport?
Find out by watching the video (via CollegeCandy), after the jump!
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Thursday, 10 July 2008 |
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Watch the following video. No no! Don't ask any questions! Just press play, and let the feelings and memories wash over like so many Fruit by the Foots in a sea of Squeeze-Its.
(From Indefinite Article via Gawker) |
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Thursday, 10 July 2008 |
 - Robert Downey Jr. will play Sherlock Holmes in an upcoming Guy Richie film about the mythical detective. Finally, a chance for an American to play a Brit better than an actual Brit for once -- suck on that Gary Oldman, Tom Wilkinson, Brian Cox, Anthony Hopkins...
- NBC Universal will televise an
unprecedented un-f*cking-fathomable 3600 hours of footage from the 2008 Summer Games in Beijing, which is 1000 more hours of coverage than every Olympics in the 48-year history of televised Olympics has received combined. Just don't interrupt the next season of Lipstick Jungle, kay?
- Jennifer Hudson's solo debut album, Jennifer Hudson, is set for release in late September. Wait, debut album? I just assumed she had like three multiplatinum cds that no one knows exists, like every other Idol contestant after Season One.
- Christie Brinkley and Peter Cook have reached a custody settlement. Billy Joel is not involved, meaning this joke is dead to me.
- You know what goes together a lot better than Bad Company and not eating fudge? Bad Company and fudge.
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Thursday, 10 July 2008 |
All week, the Alarm Clocks will be my 5 Favorite Mr. Show Sketches, in no particular order.
And what about that soda I asked for, is that thing coming or what?
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Thursday, 10 July 2008 |
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While you were not being polite and just being real for the last time this season, someone was having the Best Night Ever! Join Shea Hess as she gives you the best TV moments from So You Think You Can Dance, The Baby Borrowers, Scare Tactics, and you guessed it, the season finale of The Real World! Can you get the phone? (Season One opening, anyone?) |
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Wednesday, 09 July 2008 |
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On last night's Hell's Kitchen finale, instead of having Gordon Ramsay just name a winner like on every other rickety old outdated reality show, the two finalists each stood behind their own door, turned the knobs, and only one of the doors opened -- REVEALING THE WINNER!
Ironically, this was about ten times more anticlimactic than the standard reality show winner reveal:
Some ideas for future Hell's Kitchen finales that aren't quite as mundane:
-- Chef Ramsay hands each of the finalists a folded up piece of paper. One of the papers says "Winner" on it.
-- The finalists close their eyes and count to ten. When they reopen their eyes, Chef Ramsay is pointing at one of them.
-- Chef Ramsay sends each of the finalists an email telling them who the winner is. The finalists are then allowed to use his computer to check their email.
-- Each finalist receives a fortune cookie. They proceed to open the cookies, which have identical fortunes, and eat them. Chef Ramsay then names one of them the winner.
-- Chef Ramsay gives a handful of Milk Bones to one of the contestants. He then introduces "Chef Ruff-sey," a beagle in a tiny chef's coat who will walk towards the winner. |
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