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Hockey Fans Are So Hopelessly Stupid, We All Enjoy The Love Guru And Set Our Farts On Fire

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Hockey Fans Are So Hopelessly Stupid, We All Enjoy The Love Guru And Set Our Farts On Fire

Monday, 23 June 2008

Timberwolf Four friends of mine sent me Love Guru reviews on Friday, and while I'm glad that I've whined about this movie enough to become the go-to Love Guru complainer in town, the following paragraph from Kyle Smith's New York Post review caused me to leap out of my chair and yell: WHOA WHOA WHOA... Hold on a second -- WHAT did you just say about hockey fans???

As always in sports comedies, there are a couple of wacky announcers (Stephen Colbert, Jim Gaffigan), and as usual they try way too hard. Their routine is so brainless that it's hard to picture anyone enjoying it except those in the same IQ bracket as actual hockey fans, who would probably be equally entertained by an evening spent at home holding a Bic lighter up to their own bursts of flatulence.

Oh really, Ivory Tower-dwelling, nose-looking-down, overgeneralizing-ass movie critic? Only fart-lighting hockey fans would be dumb enough to enjoy The Love Guru? I have some news for you -- I happen to be a HUGE hockey fan. I watched every single Penguin game this year live or on DVR, watched just about every playoff game that aired, and switched to DirecTV before the playoffs because Time Warner didn't carry Versus HD, and guess what? I F***ING HATE THE LOVE GURU. Nothing pisses me off more than this prevailing, unquestioned sentiment that sports are some automatically low-minded opiate for easily-pleased mongoloids while 24/7 roundtable discussions about a poorly-worded phrase uttered off-camera by Michelle Obama are endowed with inherent "importance" simply because they're vaguely politics-related and thus more important than anything from which huge groups of people from all walks of life derive pleasure. Pitka

Maybe, Kyle Smith if you read anything about sports beyond your dumbass ARod-ripping, shock-value-fellating New York Post sports page, you'd realize that "hockey fans" as a blanket term aren't by definition some lower form of human who, because something they enjoy involves physical contact, therefore ONLY enjoy physical contact, not only in sports but in films, general humor, and all other aspects of life. Sure, you'll find your fair share of lobotomized, bloodthirsty season ticket holders in the stands at MSG or the Wachovia Center or any (non-Californian) hockey venue, but guess what? Movie audiences and voting blocs and the business world and EVERY OTHER ASPECT OF LIFE is full of people who may not be superintelligent or supremely moral, though because of the connotations associated with mass-appeal contact sports, you're allowed to generalize about its fans lighting their farts and, even worse, enjoying The Love Guru? This mindset is the reason Crash wins the god damned Best Picture Oscar but the Hollywood press just accepts that movies like Dumb and Dumber don't really count as anything more than throwaway entertainment. This mindset is the same reason why professorly morons are allowed to yammer on endlessly about the subtle nuances that separate two wines that taste exactly the f*cking same, but possessing a knowledge of beers -- which actually taste different from one another and thus, are interesting -- isn't considered a form of scholarly literacy. But I digress. Since I don't expect this never-questioned notion that all hockey fans are lobotomized brutes to change any time soon, I might as well play the part and throw my hat into the ring of sweeping generalizations: "Get Smart" is the exact type of low-brow, brainless entertainment that only someone who reads the New York Post and considers it an acceptable source of journalism and analysis could possibly enjoy. Also, everyone who reads the New York Post also lights their own farts on fire.

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