We're heading into the long weekend giddy like a school girl. How come? Because on Tuesday, the much-talked-about Diary of a South Beach Party Girl – from former Wenner Media marketing staffer Gwen Cooper – hits bookstore shelves. Sure, the final copy we sneaked a peak at didn't have the lurid tales of J. Lo and Chris Paciello that we were jonesing for, but in its place is 300-plus pages of what Vanessa Williams' show South Beach should've looked like.

Published by Simon Spotlight Entertainment (where He's Just Not That Into You got its start), Diary isn't feted at its book party till April 17th, so you'll have plenty of time to read up on Gwen Cooper Rachel Baum's storied tale from non-profit nobody to South Beach celebrity-cum-New York literary chic.

(In the interest of full disclosure, we consider Gwen a friend.)

• Gina Glockson inexplicably loses out to her skanky, bug-eyed and well-coiffed competitors.

• Was Joseph Gordon Levitt's pap smear real or staged?

• Quentin Tarantino made out with four lovely ladies at Butter. Which is, admittedly, a huge step up from hitting on MTV interns at the premiere of My Super Ex-Girlfriend.

• Between her crappy reality TV series and her (presumably) crappy upcoming memoirs, L'il Kim's 5 minutes in prison could turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to her!

• Tinsley Mortimer and Chloe Sevigny BFF? Tins possibly being enlightened on what it's really like to go down on Vincent Gallo?

• George Clooney confuses lemonade stand with Starbucks, spends $20 quenching his thirst.

• Gina Glockson inexplicably loses out to her skanky, bug-eyed and well-coiffed competitors.

• Was Joseph Gordon Levitt's pap smear real or staged?

• Quentin Tarantino made out with four lovely ladies at Butter. Which is, admittedly, a huge step up from hitting on MTV interns at the premiere of My Super Ex-Girlfriend.

• Between her crappy reality TV series and her (presumably) crappy upcoming memoirs, L'il Kim's 5 minutes in prison could turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to her!

• Tinsley Mortimer and Chloe Sevigny BFF? Tins possibly being enlightened on what it's really like to go down on Vincent Gallo?

• George Clooney confuses lemonade stand with Starbucks, spends $20 quenching his thirst.

• Gina Glockson inexplicably loses out to her skanky, bug-eyed and well-coiffed competitors.

• Was Joseph Gordon Levitt's pap smear real or staged?

• Quentin Tarantino made out with four lovely ladies at Butter. Which is, admittedly, a huge step up from hitting on MTV interns at the premiere of My Super Ex-Girlfriend.

• Between her crappy reality TV series and her (presumably) crappy upcoming memoirs, L'il Kim's 5 minutes in prison could turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to her!

• Tinsley Mortimer and Chloe Sevigny BFF? Tins possibly being enlightened on what it's really like to go down on Vincent Gallo?

• George Clooney confuses lemonade stand with Starbucks, spends $20 quenching his thirst.

• Gina Glockson inexplicably loses out to her skanky, bug-eyed and well-coiffed competitors.

• Was Joseph Gordon Levitt's pap smear real or staged?

• Quentin Tarantino made out with four lovely ladies at Butter. Which is, admittedly, a huge step up from hitting on MTV interns at the premiere of My Super Ex-Girlfriend.

• Between her crappy reality TV series and her (presumably) crappy upcoming memoirs, L'il Kim's 5 minutes in prison could turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to her!

• Tinsley Mortimer and Chloe Sevigny BFF? Tins possibly being enlightened on what it's really like to go down on Vincent Gallo?

• George Clooney confuses lemonade stand with Starbucks, spends $20 quenching his thirst.

• Gina Glockson inexplicably loses out to her skanky, bug-eyed and well-coiffed competitors.

• Was Joseph Gordon Levitt's pap smear real or staged?

• Quentin Tarantino made out with four lovely ladies at Butter. Which is, admittedly, a huge step up from hitting on MTV interns at the premiere of My Super Ex-Girlfriend.

• Between her crappy reality TV series and her (presumably) crappy upcoming memoirs, L'il Kim's 5 minutes in prison could turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to her!

• Tinsley Mortimer and Chloe Sevigny BFF? Tins possibly being enlightened on what it's really like to go down on Vincent Gallo?

• George Clooney confuses lemonade stand with Starbucks, spends $20 quenching his thirst.

• Gina Glockson inexplicably loses out to her skanky, bug-eyed and well-coiffed competitors.

• Was Joseph Gordon Levitt's pap smear real or staged?

• Quentin Tarantino made out with four lovely ladies at Butter. Which is, admittedly, a huge step up from hitting on MTV interns at the premiere of My Super Ex-Girlfriend.

• Between her crappy reality TV series and her (presumably) crappy upcoming memoirs, L'il Kim's 5 minutes in prison could turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to her!

• Tinsley Mortimer and Chloe Sevigny BFF? Tins possibly being enlightened on what it's really like to go down on Vincent Gallo?

• George Clooney confuses lemonade stand with Starbucks, spends $20 quenching his thirst.

• Gina Glockson inexplicably loses out to her skanky, bug-eyed and well-coiffed competitors.

• Was Joseph Gordon Levitt's pap smear real or staged?

• Quentin Tarantino made out with four lovely ladies at Butter. Which is, admittedly, a huge step up from hitting on MTV interns at the premiere of My Super Ex-Girlfriend.

• Between her crappy reality TV series and her (presumably) crappy upcoming memoirs, L'il Kim's 5 minutes in prison could turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to her!

• Tinsley Mortimer and Chloe Sevigny BFF? Tins possibly being enlightened on what it's really like to go down on Vincent Gallo?

• George Clooney confuses lemonade stand with Starbucks, spends $20 quenching his thirst.

• Gina Glockson inexplicably loses out to her skanky, bug-eyed and well-coiffed competitors.

• Was Joseph Gordon Levitt's pap smear real or staged?

• Quentin Tarantino made out with four lovely ladies at Butter. Which is, admittedly, a huge step up from hitting on MTV interns at the premiere of My Super Ex-Girlfriend.

• Between her crappy reality TV series and her (presumably) crappy upcoming memoirs, L'il Kim's 5 minutes in prison could turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to her!

• Tinsley Mortimer and Chloe Sevigny BFF? Tins possibly being enlightened on what it's really like to go down on Vincent Gallo?

• George Clooney confuses lemonade stand with Starbucks, spends $20 quenching his thirst.

• Gina Glockson inexplicably loses out to her skanky, bug-eyed and well-coiffed competitors.

• Was Joseph Gordon Levitt's pap smear real or staged?

• Quentin Tarantino made out with four lovely ladies at Butter. Which is, admittedly, a huge step up from hitting on MTV interns at the premiere of My Super Ex-Girlfriend.

• Between her crappy reality TV series and her (presumably) crappy upcoming memoirs, L'il Kim's 5 minutes in prison could turn out to be the best thing that ever happened to her!

• Tinsley Mortimer and Chloe Sevigny BFF? Tins possibly being enlightened on what it's really like to go down on Vincent Gallo?

• George Clooney confuses lemonade stand with Starbucks, spends $20 quenching his thirst.