Remember, oh, two hours ago, when we told you Soledad and Miles O'Brien were being booted from their cushy anchor jobs at American Morning, in a calculated network move that has absolutely nothing to do with the continued success of #1 rated Fox and Friends?

Well, since we know you've been on the edge of your seats, awaiting details of Soledad's (and, to a lesser extent, Miles') future assignments, we figured we'd oblige.

According to the latest reports, replacements Kiran Chetry and John Roberts will making their American Morning (the initials are "AM," get it?) debuts on April 16, at which point Soledad will become anchor and "special" correspondent on CNN's Special Investigations Unit (sounds special!) while Miles will become CNN's new chief "technology and environmental correspondent" (sounds made-up!)

And the new assignments should give Soledad and Miles plenty of time to catch up on all little things they never used to have time for. Like, in Soledad's case, the myriad of early morning programming on Fox!

Sniffs a FOX News insider, "Looks like her suddenly slow workday will now give her the freedom to watch Fox & Friends?..that lack of a workload thing tends to happen when you get banished to the special investigations unit."

Ouch. And in further bad news? CNN president Jon Klein confirms that CNN is still dedicated to provided a morning show packed with hard news. "The more the others get away from it," says Klein, "the more of an opening that leaves us to exploit."

Unfortunately for CNN, however, it would appear having the monopoly on early morning hard news goes hand in hand with a monopoly on last-place ratings.

Remember, oh, two hours ago, when we told you Soledad and Miles O'Brien were being booted from their cushy anchor jobs at American Morning, in a calculated network move that has absolutely nothing to do with the continued success of #1 rated Fox and Friends?

Well, since we know you've been on the edge of your seats, awaiting details of Soledad's (and, to a lesser extent, Miles') future assignments, we figured we'd oblige.

According to the latest reports, replacements Kiran Chetry and John Roberts will making their American Morning (the initials are "AM," get it?) debuts on April 16, at which point Soledad will become anchor and "special" correspondent on CNN's Special Investigations Unit (sounds special!) while Miles will become CNN's new chief "technology and environmental correspondent" (sounds made-up!)

And the new assignments should give Soledad and Miles plenty of time to catch up on all little things they never used to have time for. Like, in Soledad's case, the myriad of early morning programming on Fox!

Sniffs a FOX News insider, "Looks like her suddenly slow workday will now give her the freedom to watch Fox & Friends?..that lack of a workload thing tends to happen when you get banished to the special investigations unit."

Ouch. And in further bad news? CNN president Jon Klein confirms that CNN is still dedicated to provided a morning show packed with hard news. "The more the others get away from it," says Klein, "the more of an opening that leaves us to exploit."

Unfortunately for CNN, however, it would appear having the monopoly on early morning hard news goes hand in hand with a monopoly on last-place ratings.

Remember, oh, two hours ago, when we told you Soledad and Miles O'Brien were being booted from their cushy anchor jobs at American Morning, in a calculated network move that has absolutely nothing to do with the continued success of #1 rated Fox and Friends?

Well, since we know you've been on the edge of your seats, awaiting details of Soledad's (and, to a lesser extent, Miles') future assignments, we figured we'd oblige.

According to the latest reports, replacements Kiran Chetry and John Roberts will making their American Morning (the initials are "AM," get it?) debuts on April 16, at which point Soledad will become anchor and "special" correspondent on CNN's Special Investigations Unit (sounds special!) while Miles will become CNN's new chief "technology and environmental correspondent" (sounds made-up!)

And the new assignments should give Soledad and Miles plenty of time to catch up on all little things they never used to have time for. Like, in Soledad's case, the myriad of early morning programming on Fox!

Sniffs a FOX News insider, "Looks like her suddenly slow workday will now give her the freedom to watch Fox & Friends?..that lack of a workload thing tends to happen when you get banished to the special investigations unit."

Ouch. And in further bad news? CNN president Jon Klein confirms that CNN is still dedicated to provided a morning show packed with hard news. "The more the others get away from it," says Klein, "the more of an opening that leaves us to exploit."

Unfortunately for CNN, however, it would appear having the monopoly on early morning hard news goes hand in hand with a monopoly on last-place ratings.

Hey, remember in the series finale of Sex and the City, when Miranda catches Steve's alcoholic mother roaming the streets and eating pizza straight out of the garbage can?

What are we saying, of course you do! It was one of those shocking/pivotal moments when we realized Steve's mom had fully transitioned from drunk Irish hag to Crazy Homeless Person, and wondered whether Miranda loved Steve enough to throw his deranged parent in the tub and hand-wash her naked, wrinkly body. (Turns out, she did!)

Anyhow, for some reason or another, that particular SATC moment came to mind this morning when we were sifting through the gossip pages. No, not while we were reading about Christopher Hitchens' latest crazy-person rant, but rather when we saw this bizarre item about how Cynthia Nixon was rooting through a trash can at Riverside Park.

More specifically, how Nixon reportedly picked some woman's Ziploc bag out of the trash receptacle, asked "is it okay to take this?" and then "took her son's half-eaten snack and placed it in [the woman's] used baggie."

And, for a split second, we thought to ourselves, well maybe that's not so weird? After all, the baggie was hardly in the trash for very long, and undoubtedly the Ziploc's innards were probably mostly uncontaminated, right?

Then, we reconsidered the whole "rich celebrities digging through the trash heap for used/discarded plastic bags" scenario, reversed our initial reaction and concluded it was actually "pretty fucking weird."**

** And, seriously, what would Magda say?

Today's Whodunit provides us with a much-needed distraction from the muggy, rainy weather. And after the smattering of blind (and not so blind) items, we're left to discern the identities of a bejeweled social climber, an aging TV actresses and two Hollywood female besties.

So which social-climbing vixen wants to make the A-list so badly she's willing to lie and say she's already there? Which aging actress' son has been battling depression at the swankiest of rehab spas? And which female Hollywood duo's powdery white residue confounded the housekeeping at their most recent drug-addled hotel party?

Think you've got the answers? Let us know Whodunit!

WHICH aging movie/TV actress has a son just released from the swanky Sierra Tucson rehab clinic where he was treated for depression? . . . WHICH bejeweled social climber will do anything to associate her name with A-list actresses, even create bogus, salacious gossip to promote her faux "friendships"?

Which two famous-for-going-to-parties Hollywood female best friends recently stayed in a hotel together? The maid had to call the manager to ask if she should wipe up the cocaine, or clean around it.

A tabloid's access to celebs often depends on whether their publicists are willing to schedule in a chat between soul waxings. Or at least that's People's M.O.

Over at Wenner rag Us Weekly, it's the paparazzi (also known as "friends" of celebs) who are the best sources. Which might explain why Us is so loose with its insider information when it comes to the lensmen it so heavily relies on.

So just how loose is the Us ship when it comes to the that prized asset called "access?" Perhaps the answer lies in a tale we like to call "Screwing Tori Spelling."

On Monday, Spelling's husband Dean McDermott became enraged when he found his secret hideaway for newborn Liam discovered by the paps, thanks in no small part to the loose lips of Us.

Dean "looked out his window ... to see two paparazzi SUVs staked out in front of what he believed to be a very secret residence of where he, wife Tori Spelling, and baby Liam (almost 1 month) have been staying in Beverly Hills since a bit prior to Liam's birth," says an industry veteran.

Screamed Dean: "How did you find out about this? Who told you?"

To which the paparazzi replied: They got a tip from someone at Us about where he was staying.

Which would make sense, given that Us just did a photoshoot on Saturday with Dean, Tori, and Liam for the issue that hit newsstands today.

As you might imagine, Dean was none too pleased about the breeched confidentiality between his fam and the tabloid. But he'll have that tidy "appearance fee" cheque to help quell his anger.

• The Coop, Diane Foster "Out-ed." Entire world feigns surprise.

• NYT's public editor Byron Calame wins the Bart Richards Award for royally screwing over Bill Keller and Arthur Sulzberger Jr.

• New, super-secret Portfolio cover is...a disappointing NYC skyline. Yawn.

• One of the Google employee's has a 3-foot python who can't be contained! Computer programmers, so hot right now.

• Business Week wonders how Sam Zell will revamp the Tribune with so much debt. Incredibly, Sam Zell just had the exact same thought.

• And yet, inexplicably, Broad and Burkle still want in.

• The Coop, Diane Foster "Out-ed." Entire world feigns surprise.

• NYT's public editor Byron Calame wins the Bart Richards Award for royally screwing over Bill Keller and Arthur Sulzberger Jr.

• New, super-secret Portfolio cover is...a disappointing NYC skyline. Yawn.

• One of the Google employee's has a 3-foot python who can't be contained! Computer programmers, so hot right now.

• Business Week wonders how Sam Zell will revamp the Tribune with so much debt. Incredibly, Sam Zell just had the exact same thought.

• And yet, inexplicably, Broad and Burkle still want in.

• The Coop, Jodie Foster "Out-ed." Entire world feigns surprise.

• NYT's public editor Byron Calame wins the Bart Richards Award for royally screwing over Bill Keller and Arthur Sulzberger Jr.

• New, super-secret Portfolio cover is...a disappointing NYC skyline. Yawn.

• One of the Google employee's has a 3-foot python who can't be contained! Computer programmers, so hot right now.

• Business Week wonders how Sam Zell will revamp the Tribune with so much debt. Incredibly, Sam Zell just had the exact same thought.

• And yet, inexplicably, Broad and Burkle still want in.

• The Coop, Jodie Foster "Out-ed." Entire world feigns surprise.

• NYT's public editor Byron Calame wins the Bart Richards Award for royally screwing over Bill Keller and Arthur Sulzberger Jr.

• New, super-secret Portfolio cover is...a disappointing NYC skyline. Yawn.

• One of the Google employee's has a 3-foot python who can't be contained! Computer programmers, so hot right now.

• Business Week wonders how Sam Zell will revamp the Tribune with so much debt. Incredibly, Sam Zell just had the exact same thought.

• And yet, inexplicably, Broad and Burkle still want in.